March 10, 2011

Jesus said to his disciples:
“The Son of Man must suffer greatly and be rejected
by the elders, the chief priests, and the scribes,
and be killed and on the third day be raised.”
Then he said to all,
“If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself
and take up his cross daily and follow me.
For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it,
but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.
What profit is there for one to gain the whole world
yet lose or forfeit himself?” 

Lk 9:22-25

 Jesus, help me to deny myself, and to gladly take up my small crosses to follow you.  Amen

 It is so freeing to think of the struggles in my life as a share in Jesus cross.  When I do this I can look at how my struggles bring me closer to God, and may be used to bring others to share in my Joy in serving Him. 

Yesterday my daughter had several temper tantrums...They were really unfounded, I couldn't see any real reason for the fits.  These weren't just any fits either, this was screaming at the top of her lungs, and she was absolutely inconsolable.  A few days away from being three years old, this shouldn't be happening any more.  I asked her what was wrong, but she wouldn't answer, just screamed louder...I told her that as soon as she calmed down and told me what she needed I would have an open ear.  She was just angry...for no reason, or at least one that I could understand.  By the third tantrum of the day, I asked her if her tummy hurt or if she didn't feel good, but she just kept screaming.  It was like fingernails on a chalkboard...I couldn't help her...I didn't know what set her off...and nothing would make her stop... The next tantrum, I just wrapped my arms around her, as she screamed into my ear...and just said, "it's okay, it's okay,...I'm here."  The tantrum was no shorter than the previous, but at least I was being even more present than I had in the first few. 

This is not unusual for my daughter... she has been doing this for a long time.  I've tried to track triggers...and I've tried several strategies for helping her, I thought we were making headway...I guess not.  I used to think there was something wrong with me as a mother because my daughter behaved this way...Now I think it's part of her personality, my other children do not act this way.  It makes me so sad, I don't want her to have this anger or anxiety, or whatever it is in her life.  I wonder if the way I feel is how God must feel with some of us... He has given us everything, He is ready with open arms to hold us, but we run screaming and crying in the other direction, comforted more by our own anger than the embrace of someone who loves us unconditionally.