February 1, 2011

Jesus, you are the perfecter of faith, and you, for my sins, hung on a cross, help me to take up mine with perfect Faith that I will rest in your embrace in the end.

In your struggle against sin
you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood.

Hebrews 12:4

I certainly feel that I have...,but here I am, still alive and kicking, so I must have more to do.  In the Gospel reading I really relate to the woman with hemorrhages, I feel that my body is not working the way it should.  Our commitment to use natural Family hasn't been working that well because my body seems to be playing tricks on me.  I won't go into it here, but I also have Factor IV Leiden, a blood clotting disorder, so my pregnancies are high risk, and I have to take injections throughout the pregnancies.  Grumble, Grumble, and more grumbling.  Anyway, the last four years have been rough, being pregnant through most of it.  In this area, I feel like I've suffered enough, and I just want to end the struggle...however, that would be to abandon our stance on natural family planning.  I know that children are an absolute gift, but I'm scared of another pregnancy, I'm scared about wether I can take care of my children the way that God would want me to, and I'm scared about how having more children will effect my relationship with my husband.  I have asked God to take this decision from me, or to make it easier somehow,...it hasn't happened yet, perhaps because I don't believe it can.  Maybe I'm meant to have more children?  At Mary's baptism Father Pat, a priest I have looked to for guidance my whole life, said, " I had a dream last night, you had ten kids"  Oh my?!  I happen to believe that dreams mean something.   I don't know about ten kids, but I do know, I need a break!!  I want to rest, but maybe God has something else in store.  The truth is, that in my life, I have been blessed in so many ways, and this has been my first real cross...I thank God for it, because it has taught me so much.

Jesus, help me understand what your plan is for my family.  Motherhood has been the most humbling experience because through it I have realized just how much I need you, and what an awesome God you are to give me the gift of giving life through the love of my husband.  Today I pray for every mom that they have Faith to see that the suffering that being a mom brings, brings purification, and brings us closer to you.  Amen